Teaching Patience, Manners, and Independence

I often receive compliments on how well-behaved my children are, and many seem to assume they were born that way.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Every child is born demanding and egocentric, and must be taught otherwise.  If there is one thing about parenting that I passionately believe in, it's that every child is a blank slate.  Parenting is a from-scratch process.  Nature affects our lives to an extent, but nurturing will always be vastly more important!

Children are by nature very impatient, and rather impolite about it as well.  I see many exasperated mothers make the mistake of feeding this attitude by giving their child everything they want immediately.

When my children want something, I do not immediately drop whatever it is I'm doing to get it for them.  Some judgmental mommies have accused me of being lazy, but my actions are intentional.  I want my children to respect other people, and I'm as good a person as any to begin with!  To put ceaseless demands upon other people and expect immediate results will not get them far in life (though I'm sure that some of us do have bosses like this!).  I want my children to learn to wait patiently, so I explain to them that I need to finish cleaning the table before I fix their toy, and I need to go to the bathroom before I make their snack, and I want them to catch onto the fact that my world does not fully revolve around them - nor should it.  This is a valuable lesson!

I want my children to be independent.  Most Americans value independence in their children, but not many encourage it!  The best way to instill independence is to let your children try.  You will never know what they are ready for unless you let them try.  Every child should be able to manage a cup without a lid or straw by the age of 2 and a half.  By the age of 4 or 5 I expect them to fully dress themselves without help most of the time.  I want them to grasp as much control over their daily lives as possible. I'm there if they really need me, but not just because they don't want to do it themselves.

I want my children to be neat and take responsibility for their own belongings.  I am sick to death of mothers nowadays acting as though asking a child to do a few chores is abusive.  I believe just the opposite is true.  If you do not teach your child to be a hard worker and self-starter, he will pay for it later in life.  My children have daily chores, and I do not pick up after them.  I have actually been criticized for this.  It takes 15 minutes per day for my kids to pick up their toys off the floor.  Is that slavery??  I think most mothers feel it is their duty to pick up after their children, so their children never learn to take care of their toys.  I don't do what they are ready to do themselves, which still leaves me with plenty of housework! 

Martyrdom has it's place in the world, but not in parenting.

Every child is born with a complete lack of manners.  Manners must be taught.   Please, parents of the world, manage your children and teach them manners!  I have seen many, many young children wander up to me unattended by parents who just don't parent, and these wandering kids try to treat my children rudely or even abusively, steal our belongings or gobble food right off of our plates!  There is no excuse for even young children to behave this way.  I have seen many mothers just SIT there and do nothing to try to calm or remove their disruptive, screeching children.  Parenting is not a spectator sport - you do actually have to get off of your rear once in a while to stop your child from terrorizing public places. 

The worst possible thing you can do is to reward bad behaviors, yet this happens all the time.  A screeching child need not be gifted with any kind of bribe.  I do believe in bribery, but only as a natural consequence of correct behavior.  If you always give in to your child when they whine, scream, or even hit, don't be surprised when this behavior continues.  Even monkeys know to continue pushing the right buttons in order to get a treat, and your child has figured this system out too.  I have one simple rule when it comes to outrageous behavior, and that is that it equals loss of privilege.

Sometimes, good parenting takes time.  It takes time for children to learn these lessons and develop good habits.  I have one child who took longer than the others and could scream longer and louder than the others, but I kept with it and in time those tantrums did taper off.

If I could give one piece of advice to new mothers that I wish I had known, it's that you create the world in which they live.  Grab the reins and hold on tight.  Do not allow your child to be the boss of you because it is no favor at all.  You are doing your child a great disservice by expecting them to know how to act when you have never taught them. 

Parenting is not a quick doodle but like chipping away at a marble statue.  It takes time, patience, and persistence.  

Media Hysteria - What People Fear VS What Will Actually Kill Us

It may seem morbid, but we need to be aware of the lies and white-lies the media perpetuates as facts.  If you took a poll of popular opinion, I bet you would find a lot of people out there sorely misinformed about the likely cause of their eventual demise.  This is because the media feeds on hysteria, and there are often subversive reasons for a particular disease or condition to be put in the spotlight.  There is an old saying in journalism that if it bleeds, it leads.  There is another, just as pertinent saying that if you want to know the reason, you need to follow the money trail.

So the first list is just my opinion based on the media hype I am seeing, but...

The Top 10 Things The Media Tells Us Will Kill Americans:

1. Aids
2. Breast cancer
3. H1N1 (swine flu)
4. Murder by home invasion
5. GMO-laden food
6.West Nile virus
7. Avian influenza (bird flu)
8. Being bombed or beheaded by terrorists
9. Cell phone radiation
10. Gluten

This 2nd list is factual.

The Top 10 Things Which Will Actually Kill Us:

1.  Heart disease
2. Cancer (with breast cancer coming in 3rd after lung and colon cancer!)
3. Chronic lower respiratory diseases
4. Stroke
5. Accidents (including gun and auto accidents - the #1 killer of people under age 44)
6. Alzheimer's disease
7. Diabetes
8. Influenza and Pneumonia (90% of the deaths from this occur in people age 65 and older)
9. Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis (kidney disease)
10. Intentional self-harm (suicide)

Some interesting facts:

• A woman's overall lifetime risk of dying from breast cancer is 3%.  The lifetime risk of dying from heart disease is a whopping 20%.
• Some lists name hospital infections and errors as the 4th leading cause of death.  I'm guessing this would include some cases of pneumonia.
• Excessive alcohol use is responsible for approximately 10% of deaths among people aged 20-64 years, and is often a factor in homicides, suicides, falls, drownings and fires.
• Smoking accounts for 30% of all cancer deaths - and that's not just lung cancer!  The #1 thing you can do to lower your overall cancer risk is to quit smoking.
• Alcohol and birth control pills are group 1 carcinogens (cancer-causing agents) which means they are verified causes of cancer.  Source.
• The least likely person to murder you or your family members is a stranger. 
• A pregnant woman is more likely to die from homicide or heart disease than from maternal-related reasons.
• The world's mortality statistics look very different from US statistics!
• Some dispute the qualifications for diagnosing people in the 3rd world with HIV.  There is some evidence that malnourished people are being massively overdiagnosed with this condition in order to receive more monetary help.
• Despite media hysteria to the contrary, a child is extremely unlikely to be kidnapped by a stranger, and even less likely to be murdered by one. Source.

Note that AIDS is not in the top 10 at all in the US, and neither is West Nile.  Shark deaths, lightning strikes, and homicide are also not on the list.  So what should we all be freaking out about?  HEART DISEASE!  And, as mothers, accidents (particularly car accidents) since this is the #1 cause of death of children, surpassing kidnapping and murder by a mile - so put your cell phones down!  I hope you all found this educational!


Sources: CDC.gov, Cancer.org, www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets

[Sidenote: I am fairly certain all my mentions of death and terrorism will earn this a visit from the NSA.  Hey guys!  How's it hanging? Lol]

Let's Talk About Sex...and Grammar!

I don't consider myself a grammar nazi, but I do dislike it when words are used inappropriately.  For example: not many people know that "provocative" simply means to provoke a reaction.  It does not necessarily refer to the sensual.  And when we are talking about finding out the SEX of your baby, a lot of people use the word "gender".  This is incorrect.  Gender refers to a person's societal role.  The correct use of the word gender would be something like, "My nursery closet is full of gender-appropriate clothing for my baby."  But when we are referring to actual body parts, the correct term is sex.

Apparently this offends people!  I will say it again: sex sex sex!  I'm sorry!  But this is the proper term for what is between your baby's legs.  If you wanted to find out their gender, you'd have to get a better ultrasound so you could see whether they are indeed wearing a pink or blue onesie in there! Haha!

It just amuses me that people go to such great lengths to avoid saying a simple word.  It's just a word.  It won't bite you!  So go ahead and say you are finding out your baby's sex, and annoy all the prudes with your correct word usage!

Children Won't Bring You Happiness

 
First off I want to say that I am not aiming this towards people who can not have children.  It is everyone's right to decide, but I think our philosophies towards parenthood and children have become skewed and that some of these "childfree by choice" folks are causing problems for the rest of us by their judgmental attitudes towards parents.  We know what it's like to live like them, but they have no idea what it's like to be us.  Even babysitting and taking care of siblings (which I did quite often before becoming a mother) does not in any way give you a decent picture of what it's like to raise a child. I'm really ashamed for all the things I spouted that I *thought* I knew about parenting before I ever had a child. Seriously, it's humiliating.

Yet somehow, the less children you have, the more you know (or think you know) about raising them. 

Now I am going to say something that is almost never said, and is certainly never said in my circle of friends: children won't bring you happiness.  If your notion of happiness is being able to do what you want whenever you want, having lots of leisure time, vacations, a perfect body, lots of time with friends or an immaculately clean house, children will not bring you any closer to this idea of happiness.  If these are your main goals, you will indeed be better off child-free.

But here is the thing: I believe life is more than just about you having pleasures and avoiding stress.  Long-term happiness sometimes means temporary discomfort and even sacrifice.  Family, in the end, is a huge part of what life is all about, people in your life who enrich you as a person and deepen your experience of life and the world.  Children cause you to grow as a person - if you are willing to grow as a person (not that all parents are)!

Having children means someone else's life and happiness becomes more important than your own.  So you make sacrifices in order to give your children what they need.  There is a huge lesson in this, and it's a lesson every single person on this planet needs to learn: life is not always about YOUR wants and needs. 

Having children is not always a pleasure.  If you're going into parenthood thinking your child is going to be some well-dressed, neat, anal-retentive-genius from a Brittany Murphy film, keep dreaming.  Your child will write on your walls in permanent marker, have soul-shattering tantrums, cry for candy in the middle of the grocery store, and (probably more than once) take off a poopy diaper and have "art time" while your back is turned.  There will be 2 am feedings, teething, puking, sassy-mouthed adolescence, and isolated days.  But there will also be laughter, first steps, dancing, silly words, dandelion bouquets and stick figure drawings on the fridge. There will be someone to pass things down to and share memories with. There will be many I love yous. Ultimately, having a child is falling in love, but in the hurried business of parenthood, we don't always take the time stop and appreciate that.

We owe it to our future to have and raise children, or at the very least support those who do. It is not a small job, it's the most important job in the world!  It is this job upon which all other jobs rest.  A teacher can not teach a child who has not first learned how to speak, listen, and behave from their parents! No one can sell anything, construct anything, or invent anything if there is no populace to support it. There would be no one to care for anyone else, no one to invent, solve problems, cure some diseases, no one to help knit communities together. Parenting done right reduces crime of all kinds and adds to the economy.

But what does "parenting done right" look like? I think this needs some explaining because our world has become simultaneously too uncaring and too pampering with children. Some people think you need to have a huge house, a college fund, and all your "wild oats" sown before you can ever think of having children, but these people are what I like to call WRONG. Kids don't care if they have name brand clothing, and they shouldn't care. Kids don't need 3 after school activities each week to become well-rounded people. They don't need your undivided attention every single minute. They don't even need a ton of toys - the best playground is the imagination!

You don't have to be perfect to be a parent, and you certainly don't have to be rich. You just have to be a decent, kind, loving person. If you are and you choose not to have kids, that's a darn shame because you'd be exactly the kind of parent we need more of. If you aren't and you choose not to have kids, well, I hope you reform yourself anyway, that's all I'm going to say, because being an unkind and unloving person hurts no one more than it hurts yourself.  No one like that can ever be truly happy, no matter how much money or free time they have. I find it rather hard-hearted when people say they don't like children. After all, we can't expect children to act like adults, but they are valuable people nonetheless and when given allowances for their stage of development, they are pretty great folks.

If you aren't going to have kids, at least be kind to those who do.  Help out your siblings, friends and neighbors who have kids (I know that many people without kids already do this). Do something to make the childhoods of the young people around you a little bit easier, better or more productive, and try to be understanding with parents and children. You are still part of our village, and our children's experience of life depends partly on you. Understand that we are tired, stressed, sometimes overwhelmed, and all of us yell at our kids from time to time, but we are happy.  Children may not bring the kind of happiness many people are looking for, but they do bring joy into our lives because THEIR happiness becomes our happiness, their triumphs our triumphs, and their future more important to us than our own - out of love. What parent would not rip out their beating heart and lay it down as a gift if their child needed a heart?

And stop judging how we parent, because seriously, you don't know what you're talking about.

Poem for Naughty Children - Little Orphan Annie (Goblins)

painting by William Bouguereau

Little Orphan Annie

 Inscribed with all faith and affection.

 

To all the little children: -- The happy ones; and sad ones;
The sober and the silent ones; the boisterous and glad ones;
The good ones -- Yes, the good ones, too; and all the lovely bad ones.

   

Little Orphan Annie's come to our house to stay,

And wash the cups and saucers up, and brush the crumbs away,

And shoo the chickens off the porch, and dust the hearth, and sweep,

And make the fire, and bake the bread, and earn her board-and-keep;

And all us little children, when the supper-things are done,

We set around the kitchen fire and have such splendid fun

listening to the witch-tales that Annie tells about,

And the Goblins that get you

If you

Don't

Watch

Out!

 

Once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers,--

And when he went to bed at night, away up-stairs,

His Mommy heard him holler, and his Daddy heard him bawl,

And when they turned the covers down, he wasn't there at all!

And they sought him in the rafter-room, and cubby-hole, and press,

And sought him up the chimney-flue, and everywhere, I guess;

But all they ever found was just his pants and roundabout:--

And the Goblins will get you

If you

Don't

Watch

Out!

 

And one time a little girl would always laugh and grin,

And make fun of everyone, and all her blood-and-kin;

And once, when there was "company," and old folks were there,

She mocked them and shocked them, and said she didn't care!

And just as she kicked her heels, and turned to run and hide,

There were two great big Black Things standing by her side,

And they snatched her through the ceiling before she knew what was about!

And the Goblins will get you

If you

Don't

Watch

Out!

 

And little Orphan Annie says, when the blaze is blue,

And the lamp-wick sputters, and the wind goes woo-oo!

And you hear the crickets quiet, and the moon is gray,

And the lightning-bugs in dew are all squelched away,--

You better mind your parents, and those fond and dear,

And cherish those who love you, and dry the orphan's tear,

And help the poor and needy ones that cluster all about,

Or the Goblins will get you

If you

Don't

Watch

Out! 

 

~ James Whitcomb Riley 

 

*I have edited/updated this for readability, although I think the dialect is intentional and adds to the poem's effect.  This poem is about 100 years old!  If you prefer to read the original version (which I actually like better!) you can find it HERE.

10 Things Kids Do That Don't Make Sense

Kids are all about being their authentic selves.  They have very little tact, shame or caution, and a whole lotta weirdness!  Here are just some of the things kids do that make no sense to adults.

1.  Brag about getting the last piece of candy, knowing there are other children in the room.  They just have to show off and immediately start a whiner war of the worlds, often ending with the victim mourning their Tootsie Roll, and a sibling standing in the corner. You would think after about 2,487 times of this happening they would learn to hide their treats like mommy does, but nope! 

Willy Wonka knows what I'm talking bout!

2.  Sing about the naughty things they are doing, WHILE they are doing them.  When you walk down the hall and hear, "I'm getting into mommy's maaake-up!  Aaaall the livelong day!!"  it's kind of a give away sign that something is up!

3.  Read the same book over and over.  So at the end of the story, Dora finds the way to grandma's house.  Compelling.  Let's hear all about it a dozen more times tonight - and don't dare skip a single word!

4.  Eat dirt...and anything else.  When just starting out in life, it is a well-known fact that everything is edible unless proven otherwise.  Being the mouth-police is just one of those oh so fun parts of parenthood!

5.  Blurt stuff out.  An adult would think twice before calling that 400 lb guy in the leather vest on a motorcycle a fatty, but a 4 year old won't.  Also, "Why do you look so stupid?" is a perfectly acceptable icebreaker to a preschooler. This makes day trips all the more fun and exciting.

6. Ask crazy questions.  Why do people have names?  How come you're so old?  Do cats have belly buttons?  If you were stuck in a ship at the bottom of the sea, what would you eat for dinner?  Their curiosity and love of pestering their mothers is truly limitless.

7. Lie badly.  Don't you know that there are toys all over the floor because sissy opened the window and a flying turtle came in and waved a magic wand and said, "Poof, now your toys are free!"  Clearly this explains everything.

8.  Misunderstand toasters, DVD players and other electronic equipment.  A child wonders what it would be like to watch a piece of bread on t.v., toast a Barbie doll, or play a crayon movie.  There is only way to find out!

9.  Be naked - a lot.  Okay, so some of us are still like this.  But it is rare that adults are completely nonplussed about cheerily running to the door buck-naked to call out a greeting no matter which relative or postal employee is standing there.

10.  Fight their naps.  When I'm tired, I'd love it if someone told me to go take a nap right away!  Isn't it funny how when you finally learn to like them, you don't have time for them anymore?

Woman, Be Modest! (A Parody)

Just look at this shameless, ankle-flaunting hussy!

If there is one thing that gets my goat, it's the women out there who dress like total tramps as soon as the weather warms up a bit.  I mean, really, is it so much to ask to cover your boobs, belly, arms, legs, ankles, hair, feet and face??  How else are you going to send the message that you are a proper and righteous lady?!

The Bible tells us to dress modestly and it is just plain common sense  that means we can't show our beautiful faces or hair.  We might be leading men to stumble!  After all, men have absolutely no control over what they look at, fantasize about, or grope or for how long.  So if a man has eyes super-glued to your butt during an hour long sermon at church, it is definitely your fault!

Consider taking an inventory of your provocative ways:

1. Did you wear pants?  *Gasp!* For shame!!  
 A woman should never wear pants as they reveal the fact that she does, in fact, have legs! Furthermore, if her pants ride up and a man just happens to be staring at her crotch at the time (which as we've already established is never his fault)  it can lead him to think about the fact that she has female private parts even if they are not showing in any way!  Ladies we must strive to guard our brothers from these types of shameful thoughts!  There are harlots invading our churches who occasionally wear shorts!  Now what are women's legs even for except to tempt men to eternal damnation?  Therefore they must remain hidden!

2. Did you wear a skirt? Are you trying to be a prostitute and don't you know prostitutes wear skirts? Everyone knows skirts are sexy, that is why promiscuous men are called skirt-chasers.  If you wear one with nylons, you are encouraging fetishists, and don't even think about bare legs! Oh the lack of propriety!  What happens when you walk up a flight of stairs or there is a strong wind?  These are things to think about!

3.  Did you wear a dress?  Sinner!! All a man has to do to take off a dress is remove one article of clothing, and clearly that is just too easy.  Besides, the shape of a woman's body is somewhat visible in most dresses, and women must do everything possible never to remind anyone that they have a female body, even while being extremely feminine and dainty.  Thus, the only acceptable clothing choice for a woman is a denim jumper dress with a modest long-sleeved shirt underneath, long pantaloons and a burqa on top of that.  Otherwise you may as well change your name to Jezebel as women's bodies are inherently seductive and sinful!

4.  Did you wear white, black or red?  Do not expect to be treated like a lady in the devil's colors, and white is just as bad as it reminds men of bedsheets!  I have seen people come to church in these colors and I always faint in horror!

5.  Is the material too sheer, too smooth, too lacy, too thin, too studded or too sequined?  Think about the message you are sending and whether or not someone with a really, really dirty mind would be bothered by your clothing.  It is YOUR responsibility to keep men everywhere from sinning in their thoughts!

6.  Did you go swimming?  Women should never go swimming as no swimsuit will ever be modest enough for a truly righteous lady.  There are deceptive people out there who try to sell swimming shorts or "modest" swimwear that rarely covers the arms or ankles and allows the devil to gain a foothold by showing off the evil and sultry curves of a woman's body.  No matter how loose the material is, it may appear tight when wet.  Therefore it is best for women to avoid water except while bathing in the privacy of their own homes with the blinds shut and a nightgown on.  You wouldn't want the angels to see you naked!!

7.  Did you wear (or not wear) a bra?  Clearly a woman's breasts are the most shameful part of her body.  Bras that are visible in any way are sinful.  Bras that are non-existent are also sinful.  It is best for women of all sizes to bind their breasts tightly with duct tape, therefore obscuring their wicked shapeliness and making the diabolical practice of breastfeeding nearly impossible. 

Remember ladies, if you dress like a truly righteous lady you will be treated with dignity and respect.  If you dress like a tramp, men will know that you are just one of those types of women who doesn't matter as a human being and true Christian men will be forced to hoot and holler at you and use you to gratify their lust whether you say okay or not.  When this happens it will all be 100% your fault, not theirs, because boys will be boys!  Just look at the modest outfits of our Muslim friends and neighbors.  We all know that women never get raped, sexually harassed or disrespected in Muslim countries!

The modesty rules for men are as follows:  Just cover your baby-maker.  Women are never turned on by visual things anyway, we barely have sex drives, and bare male chests are not a problem for any women anywhere ever.  Even if they were, it would be the woman's fault for looking!

(Oh my I hope this doesn't offend anyone lol.  This is after all, a parody!  But I just want to say that some of these are things I've actually heard from very legalistic people.  I have even been judgmentally chided more than once because I am basically a t-shirt and jeans kind of gal!).