Acceptance

If we are always nagging and picking on each other, focusing on each other's faults, demanding our own way and being unforgiving, then why are we surprised when we are unloved?  Why are we surprised when our partners are sullen or angry, or turn to someone else for approval?  If you criticize someone 10 times and then tell them once that you love them, it doesn't balance out. 

There is a song that goes, "What do I do right?".  Once, after hearing it, my older brother turned to me and said, "That's what I want to know!  Everyone tells me what I'm doing wrong all the time, but what am I doing right?"

I can't say this strongly enough - criticism isn't helpful.  99% of the time it is NOT constructive.  Do you like being told what to do?  Are you likely to listen to or want to be around someone who points out your flaws and mistakes all the time?   I know my answer!  The people I love the most rarely judge me.  I feel like I can tell them anything because they don't come down hard on me for it.

The people who truly change us are the people who inspire us.  They set a good example, but they accept us implicitly.  They believe in us. Their kindness and friendship are not conditional on us doing things the way they think we should.  They tell us we are capable of great things.  They tell us what we are doing right!  They feed our souls.

We have to learn to accept each other as we are, in order to really love one another.  To say, "I may not like everything about you, but I'm going to give you the freedom to be yourself and make mistakes."  Tell them, once and only once, about the important changes you'd like them to make, and then continue to love them, flaws and all. 

Acceptance is not easy!  There is always going to be that voice inside that wants to condemn, get mad, stand on our soapbox, and make demands. Sometimes we want to try to MAKE a person change.  The thing is, it doesn't work. It only hurts the situation.

Some people don't know how to love a human being.  They only know how to love an ideal, an imaginary person they make up inside their heads or steal from the movie screen.  We've all been guilty of this!

Hollywood is particularly damaging in this respect.  It sells an image of physical perfection that is unattainable for most people.  (They can do miraculous things with stage makeup!).  We expect so much of each other that it's just not fair. 

All relationships have fights, a good percentage have nasty ones at times.  No matter what you do, things will never be perfect, and that's okay.  It doesn't necessarily mean there is anything really wrong.  All relationships go through peaks and valleys.  Sometimes you get busy with other things and don't spend a lot of time together.  Sometimes you don't feel head over heels in love.  But it's not a problem, in and of itself.  The good times come back around if you're patient enough.

Acceptance means  saying, "No matter what, I'm on your side."  You chose this person for a reason, so stand by them.  Support their plans and goals.  You may not always like their plans and goals, but it's not your place to crush them.  Be supportive and try to help them realize their ambitions, even if you secretly think they're kind of short-sighted.

Don't compete.  Love isn't a contest and there are no prizes for proving yourself superior.  The person you love can't be your rival, your slave, your enemy, or your trash can for dumping all your frustrations on.  You should be a safe haven for each other, arms to rest in, a place to heal from all that sort of ugliness that the world has so much of.


Accept that the person you love is different from you.  Listen up and find out their needs.  Love comes in so many forms.  There is a wonderful book called The Five Love Languages that has helped me a lot.  We all tend to expect others to feel love the same way we do.  I feel loved when someone shows me affection or gives me a thoughtful gift.  These things matter little to my husband, who prefers acts of service and quality time.  If I keep stubbornly trying to show love the way I see it, he isn't going to feel loved despite my hard work.

You can't change another person, you can only work on your side.  Some people will never appreciate or love you no matter what you do but I don't believe loving is ever wasted effort!

A Few Tips About Marriage

I have been married for several years.  And even though I've been married for several years, that does not make me an expert on marriage.  There have been plenty of times I felt like I'd had it up to my eyeballs and would rather live in a cardboard box than with my husband. But we both tried to hold on until we moved on to better times.

Anyway here are a few tips to help you get through those rough patches:

1.  The main thing is to understand that you are 2 different people.  You can't get your nose out of joint when they don't think or act like you.  You may value different things.  You may need different things.  You may expect different things.  That's okay.  Just try to be honest with what you want and respect each others differences.  And you don't NEED to share the same hobbies - that's what he has friends for!

2. Be nice to each other without expecting something in return.  It's a shame that, if we really admit it, we often treat guests better than we treat family.  Every once in a while you've got to just give without expecting anything  - not even a thank you - in return.  Just let the good deed be it's own reward.

3.  Don't keep score.  Yep, you do more and listen better.  But nothing keeps a fight going worse than keeping score.  Just privately know that you are the superior spouse - or say it on your blog - but not to your husband.  God sees!

And trust me, it's not worth it to nag.  (But if you find a way to get your husband to pick up his socks without nagging, email me immediately!)

4.  Don't compare.  While they are dating and trying to impress you, men shower and wear cologne.  They say perdy things.  They buy perdy things.  They wear pants!  But once they are married most men turn into inconsiderate slobs who refuse to part with the remote.  What makes you think your high school boyfriend would've been any different?  Just try to remember the good things about him.  Chances are, none of his faults are good enough reason to remain single and end up eaten by your cat in 40 years.

5.  Say you're sorry.  On the rare occasion when it's not actually his fault, humble yourself a little and admit that it was probably not necessary to use that term to describe his mother or loudly wish you'd married your high school boyfriend.  We all make mistakes and there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, only two imperfect people who learn to forgive again and again.

Every marriage has problems.  Every single one.  I've heard of one person who said they and their husband never fought - not once.  This person later found out her husband was having an affair and soon left her for his mistress.  This person was fooled into thinking that because they never talked about any problems, they didn't exist.  Good marriages involve talking - even when you don't feel like talking about it.  They also involve letting go of grudges and certain expectations.  Try to love your spouse for who they are, not who you wish they were.  You have to admit you probably aren't totally perfect either.

 And remember that you can only change one half of a marriage - and that's what kind of spouse you are, so don't waste time trying to change the wrong half.

Hang in there, because the only way to keep a marriage is to not get divorced, even when you really want to!  Every marriage has bad times and good times.