Hotter Than The Sun

"You know," I said matter-of-factly as my husband was teaching Science to our 3rd grader, "lightning strikes are hotter than the surface of the sun."

My husband said "Uh huh.  Wait, what??  That's totally impossible.  I've seen people who were struck by lightening.  They only had 3rd degree burns.  They'd be obliterated.  Their skull would melt!"

"Nope," I asserted, "It's true.  I heard it somewhere."

"Where - from who?  Who said this ridiculous thing?"

"I don't know.  Somewhere.  Maybe on PBS."

My husband scoffs, "Impossible!  Nothing on Earth is that hot!"

At this point I'm starting to doubt myself, especially since I can't remember the source.

 "Maybe you're right. But before you judge, look it up!"

My husband reluctantly opens a tab on the computer.  "Okay," he sighs, "I'll humor you.  Maybe I can find out where this myth came from."

So it turns out that it's true.  More than 5 times hotter.  You know what's even hotter than that?

Hearing my husband say that I'm right.  And dancing the "I told you so" dance.

I heard a food-for-thought type of question recently that was a no-brainer, it's supposed to make you think twice about your bad attitude I think.  But it doesn't work.  It goes something like, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be kind?"

Umm...duh!  I want to be right!

If You're Looking For A Little Something...

Generally, your husband is not the person you want to ask if something is missing.  Maybe there are some exceptions to the rule, but most husbands don't even know where things are that aren't lost.  They can't help it.  It must be tied to the Y chromosome or something.  It has probably always been that way...

Example?  Okay, here is a snippet from an actual conversation I had with my husband:

DH: Honey, where is the ketchup?

Me:  What?

DH:  (Slightly panicked) Please don't tell me you forgot to buy ketchup!

Me:  No I didn't.  Sheesh it's right there in the fridge.

DH:  Where in the fridge?

Me:  I don't know -  isn't "in the fridge" specific enough for you?  In the door, I think.

DH:  (totally panicked)  No it's noooot!  Where is it??

Me:  Hold on a sec.  I'm sure it's in the fridge good grief.

I then reluctantly stop what I'm doing to get off my tuffet and waltz on over to the fridge only to see - yep there is the ketchup staring me right in the face, in the door where I said it was and not even behind the butter or anything!  Ugh!

DH: Honey?  Where are my glasses?

Me:  You're wearing them.

DH:  Oh my gosh I didn't even feel them!

Me: *Smacking my forehead* 

Yes this actually happened!!  In his defense, they are some pretty lightweight frames.  I wish mine were that light!

Husbandese

Married women understand their men better than they think!  They've learned to understand that special dialect called husbandese.  Here are a few examples:



"I'll do the dishes" = "I'll wash about half the dishes, and pile the rest of them in the sink to 'soak'."



"There's nothing to eat around here!" = "The cupboards and fridge are packed, but there's no pizza!"



"You don't show me enough affection." = "Sometimes I'm not confident that your life fully revolves around me."



"I'm going to bed. I'm sick. I feel terrible." = "I have mild allergies and am going to use that as an excuse to head upstairs and use the computer for the next 2 hours."

"I'll dress the baby." = "I'll put her in the first thing she points to - probably something that clashes, is 6 sizes too small, and I'll put it on backwards AND inside out!!"



"Let's go out on a date today." = "Let's pack up the kid and head to McDonald's."



"I'll watch the baby ...you go take a nap." = "I'll let the baby bang on the door for 10 minutes straight while I fix lunch, loudly shut every cupboard in the kitchen, and wake you up 5 minutes later because you've slept ALL DAY."



"The garbage doesn't need to be taken out." = "I feel sure I can pile 2 more things in the can before it tips over!"




"We don't have enough common interests!" = "Your favorite shows don't have enough explosions."



"I'd really like some time together tonight." = "It's time for a heap o' good lovin'."



"I need some snuggles." = "I want more than snuggles."



"I'm feeling neglected." = "It's been nearly 2 days since I last had a heap o' good lovin'.



"I did the laundry today!" = "I took the clean laundry that you already did out of the dryer, wadded it up and shoved it in a basket."



"I cleaned the living room!" = "I threw baby's toys in one corner and shoved my papers to a different corner - voila!"



"Baby wants you." = "I smelled something funny coming from the general direction of her diaper - but I'm going to pretend I didn't and just pass her over."



"I fed baby breakfast!" = "She had a bite of a pretzel, a banana and a few corn pops, she is good to go!"
 
 
Well that's all the translating I have time for tonight, I'm already up way past my baby's bedtime, which means not much sleep for me!