10 Things Kids Do That Don't Make Sense

Kids are all about being their authentic selves.  They have very little tact, shame or caution, and a whole lotta weirdness!  Here are just some of the things kids do that make no sense to adults.

1.  Brag about getting the last piece of candy, knowing there are other children in the room.  They just have to show off and immediately start a whiner war of the worlds, often ending with the victim mourning their Tootsie Roll, and a sibling standing in the corner. You would think after about 2,487 times of this happening they would learn to hide their treats like mommy does, but nope! 

Willy Wonka knows what I'm talking bout!

2.  Sing about the naughty things they are doing, WHILE they are doing them.  When you walk down the hall and hear, "I'm getting into mommy's maaake-up!  Aaaall the livelong day!!"  it's kind of a give away sign that something is up!

3.  Read the same book over and over.  So at the end of the story, Dora finds the way to grandma's house.  Compelling.  Let's hear all about it a dozen more times tonight - and don't dare skip a single word!

4.  Eat dirt...and anything else.  When just starting out in life, it is a well-known fact that everything is edible unless proven otherwise.  Being the mouth-police is just one of those oh so fun parts of parenthood!

5.  Blurt stuff out.  An adult would think twice before calling that 400 lb guy in the leather vest on a motorcycle a fatty, but a 4 year old won't.  Also, "Why do you look so stupid?" is a perfectly acceptable icebreaker to a preschooler. This makes day trips all the more fun and exciting.

6. Ask crazy questions.  Why do people have names?  How come you're so old?  Do cats have belly buttons?  If you were stuck in a ship at the bottom of the sea, what would you eat for dinner?  Their curiosity and love of pestering their mothers is truly limitless.

7. Lie badly.  Don't you know that there are toys all over the floor because sissy opened the window and a flying turtle came in and waved a magic wand and said, "Poof, now your toys are free!"  Clearly this explains everything.

8.  Misunderstand toasters, DVD players and other electronic equipment.  A child wonders what it would be like to watch a piece of bread on t.v., toast a Barbie doll, or play a crayon movie.  There is only way to find out!

9.  Be naked - a lot.  Okay, so some of us are still like this.  But it is rare that adults are completely nonplussed about cheerily running to the door buck-naked to call out a greeting no matter which relative or postal employee is standing there.

10.  Fight their naps.  When I'm tired, I'd love it if someone told me to go take a nap right away!  Isn't it funny how when you finally learn to like them, you don't have time for them anymore?

Woman, Be Modest! (A Parody)

Just look at this shameless, ankle-flaunting hussy!

If there is one thing that gets my goat, it's the women out there who dress like total tramps as soon as the weather warms up a bit.  I mean, really, is it so much to ask to cover your boobs, belly, arms, legs, ankles, hair, feet and face??  How else are you going to send the message that you are a proper and righteous lady?!

The Bible tells us to dress modestly and it is just plain common sense  that means we can't show our beautiful faces or hair.  We might be leading men to stumble!  After all, men have absolutely no control over what they look at, fantasize about, or grope or for how long.  So if a man has eyes super-glued to your butt during an hour long sermon at church, it is definitely your fault!

Consider taking an inventory of your provocative ways:

1. Did you wear pants?  *Gasp!* For shame!!  
 A woman should never wear pants as they reveal the fact that she does, in fact, have legs! Furthermore, if her pants ride up and a man just happens to be staring at her crotch at the time (which as we've already established is never his fault)  it can lead him to think about the fact that she has female private parts even if they are not showing in any way!  Ladies we must strive to guard our brothers from these types of shameful thoughts!  There are harlots invading our churches who occasionally wear shorts!  Now what are women's legs even for except to tempt men to eternal damnation?  Therefore they must remain hidden!

2. Did you wear a skirt? Are you trying to be a prostitute and don't you know prostitutes wear skirts? Everyone knows skirts are sexy, that is why promiscuous men are called skirt-chasers.  If you wear one with nylons, you are encouraging fetishists, and don't even think about bare legs! Oh the lack of propriety!  What happens when you walk up a flight of stairs or there is a strong wind?  These are things to think about!

3.  Did you wear a dress?  Sinner!! All a man has to do to take off a dress is remove one article of clothing, and clearly that is just too easy.  Besides, the shape of a woman's body is somewhat visible in most dresses, and women must do everything possible never to remind anyone that they have a female body, even while being extremely feminine and dainty.  Thus, the only acceptable clothing choice for a woman is a denim jumper dress with a modest long-sleeved shirt underneath, long pantaloons and a burqa on top of that.  Otherwise you may as well change your name to Jezebel as women's bodies are inherently seductive and sinful!

4.  Did you wear white, black or red?  Do not expect to be treated like a lady in the devil's colors, and white is just as bad as it reminds men of bedsheets!  I have seen people come to church in these colors and I always faint in horror!

5.  Is the material too sheer, too smooth, too lacy, too thin, too studded or too sequined?  Think about the message you are sending and whether or not someone with a really, really dirty mind would be bothered by your clothing.  It is YOUR responsibility to keep men everywhere from sinning in their thoughts!

6.  Did you go swimming?  Women should never go swimming as no swimsuit will ever be modest enough for a truly righteous lady.  There are deceptive people out there who try to sell swimming shorts or "modest" swimwear that rarely covers the arms or ankles and allows the devil to gain a foothold by showing off the evil and sultry curves of a woman's body.  No matter how loose the material is, it may appear tight when wet.  Therefore it is best for women to avoid water except while bathing in the privacy of their own homes with the blinds shut and a nightgown on.  You wouldn't want the angels to see you naked!!

7.  Did you wear (or not wear) a bra?  Clearly a woman's breasts are the most shameful part of her body.  Bras that are visible in any way are sinful.  Bras that are non-existent are also sinful.  It is best for women of all sizes to bind their breasts tightly with duct tape, therefore obscuring their wicked shapeliness and making the diabolical practice of breastfeeding nearly impossible. 

Remember ladies, if you dress like a truly righteous lady you will be treated with dignity and respect.  If you dress like a tramp, men will know that you are just one of those types of women who doesn't matter as a human being and true Christian men will be forced to hoot and holler at you and use you to gratify their lust whether you say okay or not.  When this happens it will all be 100% your fault, not theirs, because boys will be boys!  Just look at the modest outfits of our Muslim friends and neighbors.  We all know that women never get raped, sexually harassed or disrespected in Muslim countries!

The modesty rules for men are as follows:  Just cover your baby-maker.  Women are never turned on by visual things anyway, we barely have sex drives, and bare male chests are not a problem for any women anywhere ever.  Even if they were, it would be the woman's fault for looking!

(Oh my I hope this doesn't offend anyone lol.  This is after all, a parody!  But I just want to say that some of these are things I've actually heard from very legalistic people.  I have even been judgmentally chided more than once because I am basically a t-shirt and jeans kind of gal!).

The Art of Mary Stevenson Cassatt

One of my favorite impressionist artists, Mary Cassatt, is arguably one of the most well-known female painters of all time.  She was born in the United States, but spent a good deal of time in France where she befriended other artists such as Edgar Degas.  Most of her work centers around families, particularly women and children.

All of her work is in the public domain.  I hold no rights to these paintings and you are welcome to download and distribute them as you wish. 

The Young Mother, Mary Cassatt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In The Box, Mary Cassatt

The Child's Bath, Mary Cassatt

Children On The Shore, Mary Cassatt

In the Garden, Mary Cassatt

More to come later!

Fun With Anxiety Issues

And that is the most sarcastic title I have ever written.  Life is different for people with anxiety issues.

Here are just a few examples...

How normal people start a work project:

Step 1: Start project.

How a person with anxiety starts a work project:

Step 1: Organize desk.
Step 2: Google likelihood of catching diseases from keyboard.
Step 3: Sanitize keyboard.
Step 4: Think about changing career paths.
Step 5: Google best way to start project.
Step 6: Google likelihood of failing project.
Step 7: Google the projected income of 10 other career paths.
Step 8: Start project.

How normal people watch horror movies.

Step 1. Get some popcorn.
Step 2. Watch movie.

How people with anxiety watch scary movies:

Step 1.  Gather popcorn, blanket, someone to hold onto, crucifix, and holy water.
Step 2. Watch first 10 minutes of movie.
Step 3. Check locks on doors.
Step 4. Check to make sure windows are shut and blinds drawn.
Step 5.  Watch next 10 minutes of movie.
Step 6. Check locks again.
Step 7.  Investigate strange sound in basement....
Step 8.  Die of terror when the basement step creaks.


How normal people have relationships:

Step 1: Like a person.
Step 2: Have normal relationship.
Step 3: Stay together, break up or be broken up with.
Step 4: Repeat.

How people with anxiety have relationships:

Step 1:  Worry that you might like a certain person.
Step 2: Worry the certain person might not like you.
Step 3:  Keep it to yourself.
Step 4:  Continue to keep it to yourself forever or until the other person asks you out.
Step 5:  Have extremely anxiety-filled date.
Step 6:  Repeat.

How normal people do tests:

Step 1: Prepare for test.
Step 2: Take test.
Step 3: Smilingly hand in test.

How people with anxiety do tests:

Step 1. Spend weeks studying, dreading and stressing about test.
Step 2. Gather supplies for test.
Step 3. Double-check supplies.
Step 4. Begin test, wiping sweat from brow.
Step 5. Check answers.
Step 6. Check clock.
Step 7. Erase answers and start over.
Step 8. Change answers back.
Step 9.  Accidentally bite pencil in half.
Step 10.  Cry.
Step 11.  Finish test.
Step 12.  Check answers again.
Step 13.  Tremblingly hand in test.
Step 14.  Go to bathroom and quietly have a complete nervous breakdown.

LOL or maybe this is just me...

I'm So Offended!

They used to say baseball was America's favorite pastime, but now I think it's finding things to get offended about.  You can't assert anything without hearing, "I'm offended by that!".  But guess what, life isn't all about pleasing other people - cause that would be impossible anyway!

Just try it. Scroll through the online comments about anything and you're guaranteed to find at least a few idiots ranting endlessly and arguing with each other's comments.  We live in a world that can't tell the difference between fact and opinion, so is it any wonder we are so threatened by statements of opinion?  We've become a nation that claims to be open-minded, but in reality is so sheep-like, so opposed to diversity, so insecure in its own viewpoints, that we can't stand to see people with other philosophies existing happily.

I often wonder if we've lost our ability to take a joke, or even respect other people's viewpoints.  Does it offend you that I dress differently or raise my children differently from you?  Of course I think my way is the best!  I wouldn't live it if I didn't think that!  Does that mean I need to shove it in your face and insist you follow suit?  Is it no longer possible to respect someone's opinion when you do not share it?

I hope you don't know anyone like this!

Should I un-friend people who don't share all my beliefs?  I know a lot of people do!  Try this.  Go through a list of your friends and start crossing out the ones who don't share your religious beliefs.  Now cross out the ones who don't share your philosophies on pets, children, marriage, or work.  Now cross off the ones with differing political adherence.  Keep going.  Make sure you only keep the people who think exactly the same way as you about everything.  Now, is there anyone left?  Chances are, you now have less than 5 friends - possibly none!

Opinions aren't wrong or right.  What if I said the country is better than the city? Well, it's my opinion.  It's not a fact or a lie.  It's not meant to be an infallible statement.  But I bet if I said this on an open forum I would cause no end of unprofitable arguing and snorting.  Opinions are just that, opinions, subjective by nature.  I'm entitled to mine, and you're entitled to yours.  I'd like you to agree with me, but it's okay if you don't.  The fact is, not everyone can live in the country.  If they did, it would cease to be the country - it would become a city!

But I like Taylor Swift.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  I liked Twilight too (the movies, not the books) and pretty much anything else with vampires in it.  Sue me.  I'm a music fiend.  I listen to everything from classical to pop to goth rock, and I just can't believe how many shocked and disgruntled people sit on Youtube all day bashing the videos of artists they don't like.  If you don't like them, don't watch their videos - it's as simple as that!

I'm going to watch what I want, like what I want, and dress how I want and that's that.  If you don't like it, goody for you.  Your approval is not necessary.  Because I'm making ME happy.  I don't care if that's not cool to some mythical group of all-knowing people who supposedly hold all the power to designate coolness.  I'm too old to care about popularity anyway, and even when I was young it never did a thing for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good rant as much as anyone.  I can definitely get on my soapbox and be quite hot-headed in voicing my opinions.  But at the end of the day, I'm still going to be your friend even if you disagree.  

Acceptance

If we are always nagging and picking on each other, focusing on each other's faults, demanding our own way and being unforgiving, then why are we surprised when we are unloved?  Why are we surprised when our partners are sullen or angry, or turn to someone else for approval?  If you criticize someone 10 times and then tell them once that you love them, it doesn't balance out. 

There is a song that goes, "What do I do right?".  Once, after hearing it, my older brother turned to me and said, "That's what I want to know!  Everyone tells me what I'm doing wrong all the time, but what am I doing right?"

I can't say this strongly enough - criticism isn't helpful.  99% of the time it is NOT constructive.  Do you like being told what to do?  Are you likely to listen to or want to be around someone who points out your flaws and mistakes all the time?   I know my answer!  The people I love the most rarely judge me.  I feel like I can tell them anything because they don't come down hard on me for it.

The people who truly change us are the people who inspire us.  They set a good example, but they accept us implicitly.  They believe in us. Their kindness and friendship are not conditional on us doing things the way they think we should.  They tell us we are capable of great things.  They tell us what we are doing right!  They feed our souls.

We have to learn to accept each other as we are, in order to really love one another.  To say, "I may not like everything about you, but I'm going to give you the freedom to be yourself and make mistakes."  Tell them, once and only once, about the important changes you'd like them to make, and then continue to love them, flaws and all. 

Acceptance is not easy!  There is always going to be that voice inside that wants to condemn, get mad, stand on our soapbox, and make demands. Sometimes we want to try to MAKE a person change.  The thing is, it doesn't work. It only hurts the situation.

Some people don't know how to love a human being.  They only know how to love an ideal, an imaginary person they make up inside their heads or steal from the movie screen.  We've all been guilty of this!

Hollywood is particularly damaging in this respect.  It sells an image of physical perfection that is unattainable for most people.  (They can do miraculous things with stage makeup!).  We expect so much of each other that it's just not fair. 

All relationships have fights, a good percentage have nasty ones at times.  No matter what you do, things will never be perfect, and that's okay.  It doesn't necessarily mean there is anything really wrong.  All relationships go through peaks and valleys.  Sometimes you get busy with other things and don't spend a lot of time together.  Sometimes you don't feel head over heels in love.  But it's not a problem, in and of itself.  The good times come back around if you're patient enough.

Acceptance means  saying, "No matter what, I'm on your side."  You chose this person for a reason, so stand by them.  Support their plans and goals.  You may not always like their plans and goals, but it's not your place to crush them.  Be supportive and try to help them realize their ambitions, even if you secretly think they're kind of short-sighted.

Don't compete.  Love isn't a contest and there are no prizes for proving yourself superior.  The person you love can't be your rival, your slave, your enemy, or your trash can for dumping all your frustrations on.  You should be a safe haven for each other, arms to rest in, a place to heal from all that sort of ugliness that the world has so much of.


Accept that the person you love is different from you.  Listen up and find out their needs.  Love comes in so many forms.  There is a wonderful book called The Five Love Languages that has helped me a lot.  We all tend to expect others to feel love the same way we do.  I feel loved when someone shows me affection or gives me a thoughtful gift.  These things matter little to my husband, who prefers acts of service and quality time.  If I keep stubbornly trying to show love the way I see it, he isn't going to feel loved despite my hard work.

You can't change another person, you can only work on your side.  Some people will never appreciate or love you no matter what you do but I don't believe loving is ever wasted effort!

Hotter Than The Sun

"You know," I said matter-of-factly as my husband was teaching Science to our 3rd grader, "lightning strikes are hotter than the surface of the sun."

My husband said "Uh huh.  Wait, what??  That's totally impossible.  I've seen people who were struck by lightening.  They only had 3rd degree burns.  They'd be obliterated.  Their skull would melt!"

"Nope," I asserted, "It's true.  I heard it somewhere."

"Where - from who?  Who said this ridiculous thing?"

"I don't know.  Somewhere.  Maybe on PBS."

My husband scoffs, "Impossible!  Nothing on Earth is that hot!"

At this point I'm starting to doubt myself, especially since I can't remember the source.

 "Maybe you're right. But before you judge, look it up!"

My husband reluctantly opens a tab on the computer.  "Okay," he sighs, "I'll humor you.  Maybe I can find out where this myth came from."

So it turns out that it's true.  More than 5 times hotter.  You know what's even hotter than that?

Hearing my husband say that I'm right.  And dancing the "I told you so" dance.

I heard a food-for-thought type of question recently that was a no-brainer, it's supposed to make you think twice about your bad attitude I think.  But it doesn't work.  It goes something like, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be kind?"

Umm...duh!  I want to be right!