Woman, Be Modest! (A Parody)

Just look at this shameless, ankle-flaunting hussy!

If there is one thing that gets my goat, it's the women out there who dress like total tramps as soon as the weather warms up a bit.  I mean, really, is it so much to ask to cover your boobs, belly, arms, legs, ankles, hair, feet and face??  How else are you going to send the message that you are a proper and righteous lady?!

The Bible tells us to dress modestly and it is just plain common sense  that means we can't show our beautiful faces or hair.  We might be leading men to stumble!  After all, men have absolutely no control over what they look at, fantasize about, or grope or for how long.  So if a man has eyes super-glued to your butt during an hour long sermon at church, it is definitely your fault!

Consider taking an inventory of your provocative ways:

1. Did you wear pants?  *Gasp!* For shame!!  
 A woman should never wear pants as they reveal the fact that she does, in fact, have legs! Furthermore, if her pants ride up and a man just happens to be staring at her crotch at the time (which as we've already established is never his fault)  it can lead him to think about the fact that she has female private parts even if they are not showing in any way!  Ladies we must strive to guard our brothers from these types of shameful thoughts!  There are harlots invading our churches who occasionally wear shorts!  Now what are women's legs even for except to tempt men to eternal damnation?  Therefore they must remain hidden!

2. Did you wear a skirt? Are you trying to be a prostitute and don't you know prostitutes wear skirts? Everyone knows skirts are sexy, that is why promiscuous men are called skirt-chasers.  If you wear one with nylons, you are encouraging fetishists, and don't even think about bare legs! Oh the lack of propriety!  What happens when you walk up a flight of stairs or there is a strong wind?  These are things to think about!

3.  Did you wear a dress?  Sinner!! All a man has to do to take off a dress is remove one article of clothing, and clearly that is just too easy.  Besides, the shape of a woman's body is somewhat visible in most dresses, and women must do everything possible never to remind anyone that they have a female body, even while being extremely feminine and dainty.  Thus, the only acceptable clothing choice for a woman is a denim jumper dress with a modest long-sleeved shirt underneath, long pantaloons and a burqa on top of that.  Otherwise you may as well change your name to Jezebel as women's bodies are inherently seductive and sinful!

4.  Did you wear white, black or red?  Do not expect to be treated like a lady in the devil's colors, and white is just as bad as it reminds men of bedsheets!  I have seen people come to church in these colors and I always faint in horror!

5.  Is the material too sheer, too smooth, too lacy, too thin, too studded or too sequined?  Think about the message you are sending and whether or not someone with a really, really dirty mind would be bothered by your clothing.  It is YOUR responsibility to keep men everywhere from sinning in their thoughts!

6.  Did you go swimming?  Women should never go swimming as no swimsuit will ever be modest enough for a truly righteous lady.  There are deceptive people out there who try to sell swimming shorts or "modest" swimwear that rarely covers the arms or ankles and allows the devil to gain a foothold by showing off the evil and sultry curves of a woman's body.  No matter how loose the material is, it may appear tight when wet.  Therefore it is best for women to avoid water except while bathing in the privacy of their own homes with the blinds shut and a nightgown on.  You wouldn't want the angels to see you naked!!

7.  Did you wear (or not wear) a bra?  Clearly a woman's breasts are the most shameful part of her body.  Bras that are visible in any way are sinful.  Bras that are non-existent are also sinful.  It is best for women of all sizes to bind their breasts tightly with duct tape, therefore obscuring their wicked shapeliness and making the diabolical practice of breastfeeding nearly impossible. 

Remember ladies, if you dress like a truly righteous lady you will be treated with dignity and respect.  If you dress like a tramp, men will know that you are just one of those types of women who doesn't matter as a human being and true Christian men will be forced to hoot and holler at you and use you to gratify their lust whether you say okay or not.  When this happens it will all be 100% your fault, not theirs, because boys will be boys!  Just look at the modest outfits of our Muslim friends and neighbors.  We all know that women never get raped, sexually harassed or disrespected in Muslim countries!

The modesty rules for men are as follows:  Just cover your baby-maker.  Women are never turned on by visual things anyway, we barely have sex drives, and bare male chests are not a problem for any women anywhere ever.  Even if they were, it would be the woman's fault for looking!

(Oh my I hope this doesn't offend anyone lol.  This is after all, a parody!  But I just want to say that some of these are things I've actually heard from very legalistic people.  I have even been judgmentally chided more than once because I am basically a t-shirt and jeans kind of gal!).